I must admit that once I became a mother, I had a tendency to play a superwoman. For most women this may come naturally. And this makes accepting your limitations very hard. I was too unable to face the fact that I couldn’t do it all. Knowing your limitations means to logically take stock of your life and make decisions that are as much from the head as from the heart. It means recognizing what you are good at and what you are unable to do or simply don’t enjoy doing. Once you have analyzed this, the next step is to build a strong team and simply divvy up your responsibilities.
The right time for you to really start involving dads is from the moment the blue line appears on the pregnancy tool kit. Involving your husband in your pregnancy and then baby care begins from day one. When I was pregnant, my husband came for all my doctor’s visits and the Sonography sessions. The Sonographies, especially, were wonderful. My husband sat next to me in the sonography room month after month. Initially we would both feel a sense of relief that all was okay, and then complete wonder that we really have twins ….
Most often it’s really up to you, woman, to balance this equation. If you don’t include your husband right from the start, you shouldn’t expect them to miraculously ’show up’ and be present for rest of the journey. I agree that the father-to-be needs to want to get involved, but most often the mother needs to let him be involved instead of brushing him aside.
Even though you need to burst the bubble of being ‘perfect’, its so worth it. Superwoman is a woman of the past. In her place is a hard working, vibrant, honest and a good team member mommy.
Start early , Start right – read together.
Reading about the evolution of your baby in your womb with your hubby can be a good start. Pick up any one of the good ‘what to expect’ books and surely register your husband and yourself on a pregnancy website so that you get regular news letters from them on the development of the child. Not only will this inform you of the biological developments taking place but will deepen the bond between you and your hubby. Instead of being confined to the traditional roles of the mother and father-to-be, it will help transform you into a team.
Its ‘our’ Decision
I appreciate that you’re the one who’s carrying the baby, and you’re the one going to be stuck with the stretch marks but remember – you didn’t get here alone. Take Decisions together. From, should we buy a cot or a crib? What color bed sheets should we pick up? …to more important decisions like should we start with bottle feed from the beginning? These decisions are usually or rather traditionally the domain of the mother, but you will find that consulting your hubby on some of these decisions will make him feel an important member of the team. And ofcourse, now I don’t need to tell most women how to ensure that your husbands’ decision is also what you always wanted!
Express yourself ….in words
Akin to communicating with your toddlers, here too you must use language to communicate. You must talk to your husbands and try as hard as possible to articulate what you think needs to be done or what you are going through. If you feel, you do have equilibrium with your husband, a good dialogue is critical for it to stay that way. No one is a mind reader, least of all our often clueless husbands. You need to write things in big bold letters in order for them to sit up, pay attention and understand what you really want. Good Communication between team members is essential to be a winner in any game. Though once your babies are born you will realize you can never be a winner in this game!
“Dads can do it”
Let me put it simply, like I did for my husband. The good news is that dads of twins have an opportunity to get fully involved in the daily baby chores and the bad news is that they have to be fully involved in baby care. With Extra mouths to feed and bottoms to diaper you need that extra help.
Find a Niche, a chore that he can master – such as bathing the babies or simply keeping the bottles for the feed ready. Handover complete responsibility for the task without then extending your expertise. You will need to be patient with his inexperience. You need to trust him to take care of your children even though he may not do so in as perfect a manner as you would like. You need to back away and lay off the criticism. This will help you overcome your superwomen instincts and help fathers enjoy the fact that he equally shares the joys and frustrations of bringing up twins.
This Two shall pass – Be patient!
Many months had passed, into parenthood when I realized that I hadn’t paid enough attention to the huge metamorphoses my husband was undergoing upon becoming a father of twins. Never before has there been a greater pressure on your husband to take care of everyone. Not only you and the twinsome, but his ageing parents as well. Now with the arrival of the twins everything seems urgent, especially getting a new job with more money and a five day week.
My husband and all his friends (especially their wives) thought of him to be a decent, worthwhile and a responsible person. Though you’ll be tempted to believe at times that he’s evil, lazy and useless. This will only worsen the situation. He may start believing that his value is shrinking ….and soon start enjoying it!
With Constant feeding, diaper changing and sorting out fights between your twins the stress continues, the lack of sleep and hormonal fluctuations only add to it. Patience is the only way to get through this time, which can, believe it or not, actually be very enjoyable and a great bonding experience- provided you don’t let the hormones get you down!
Twins are hard happiness – enjoy it together!
While you spend all day and evening caring for your twosome, your husband probably works at his (obviously stressful) job all day and is expected to help in the evening. Most of us, twin mommy’s and daddy’s take ourselves far too seriously. We often forget to goof around, goof up and reveal in the joy of being around and being with our twins. Start doing things together.
Go out shopping together, I love wearing the green T-shirt with stars my 18 month old son picked up for me. Sit together and go through your photo albums together, you’ll be amazed how quickly your infants start recognizing tatta –patti, nanni and friends in the pics.
Twin parenting can be exhausting; both your hearts may slowly harden instead of softening. The couple you once were could slowly disappear into the dense jungle of parenthood. Hold on, sit back and look around ...there is still sunshine.
On a lighter note, congratulate your husband on joining the league. Many of the well known personalities have twins. Mohammed Ali is a father of twin daughters. Actors Mel Gibson, Robert De Niro and lately (ahem ...) Brad pit is fathering twins. My husband is probably happier than Roger Fedrer on him having twins. He truly believes only real sportsmen and stud men have Twins. And I completely agree “just like phantom had twins” I say …..Anything to make him feel and act like a superhero!!
The right time for you to really start involving dads is from the moment the blue line appears on the pregnancy tool kit. Involving your husband in your pregnancy and then baby care begins from day one. When I was pregnant, my husband came for all my doctor’s visits and the Sonography sessions. The Sonographies, especially, were wonderful. My husband sat next to me in the sonography room month after month. Initially we would both feel a sense of relief that all was okay, and then complete wonder that we really have twins ….
Most often it’s really up to you, woman, to balance this equation. If you don’t include your husband right from the start, you shouldn’t expect them to miraculously ’show up’ and be present for rest of the journey. I agree that the father-to-be needs to want to get involved, but most often the mother needs to let him be involved instead of brushing him aside.
Even though you need to burst the bubble of being ‘perfect’, its so worth it. Superwoman is a woman of the past. In her place is a hard working, vibrant, honest and a good team member mommy.
Start early , Start right – read together.
Reading about the evolution of your baby in your womb with your hubby can be a good start. Pick up any one of the good ‘what to expect’ books and surely register your husband and yourself on a pregnancy website so that you get regular news letters from them on the development of the child. Not only will this inform you of the biological developments taking place but will deepen the bond between you and your hubby. Instead of being confined to the traditional roles of the mother and father-to-be, it will help transform you into a team.
Its ‘our’ Decision
I appreciate that you’re the one who’s carrying the baby, and you’re the one going to be stuck with the stretch marks but remember – you didn’t get here alone. Take Decisions together. From, should we buy a cot or a crib? What color bed sheets should we pick up? …to more important decisions like should we start with bottle feed from the beginning? These decisions are usually or rather traditionally the domain of the mother, but you will find that consulting your hubby on some of these decisions will make him feel an important member of the team. And ofcourse, now I don’t need to tell most women how to ensure that your husbands’ decision is also what you always wanted!
Express yourself ….in words
Akin to communicating with your toddlers, here too you must use language to communicate. You must talk to your husbands and try as hard as possible to articulate what you think needs to be done or what you are going through. If you feel, you do have equilibrium with your husband, a good dialogue is critical for it to stay that way. No one is a mind reader, least of all our often clueless husbands. You need to write things in big bold letters in order for them to sit up, pay attention and understand what you really want. Good Communication between team members is essential to be a winner in any game. Though once your babies are born you will realize you can never be a winner in this game!
“Dads can do it”
Let me put it simply, like I did for my husband. The good news is that dads of twins have an opportunity to get fully involved in the daily baby chores and the bad news is that they have to be fully involved in baby care. With Extra mouths to feed and bottoms to diaper you need that extra help.
Find a Niche, a chore that he can master – such as bathing the babies or simply keeping the bottles for the feed ready. Handover complete responsibility for the task without then extending your expertise. You will need to be patient with his inexperience. You need to trust him to take care of your children even though he may not do so in as perfect a manner as you would like. You need to back away and lay off the criticism. This will help you overcome your superwomen instincts and help fathers enjoy the fact that he equally shares the joys and frustrations of bringing up twins.
This Two shall pass – Be patient!
Many months had passed, into parenthood when I realized that I hadn’t paid enough attention to the huge metamorphoses my husband was undergoing upon becoming a father of twins. Never before has there been a greater pressure on your husband to take care of everyone. Not only you and the twinsome, but his ageing parents as well. Now with the arrival of the twins everything seems urgent, especially getting a new job with more money and a five day week.
My husband and all his friends (especially their wives) thought of him to be a decent, worthwhile and a responsible person. Though you’ll be tempted to believe at times that he’s evil, lazy and useless. This will only worsen the situation. He may start believing that his value is shrinking ….and soon start enjoying it!
With Constant feeding, diaper changing and sorting out fights between your twins the stress continues, the lack of sleep and hormonal fluctuations only add to it. Patience is the only way to get through this time, which can, believe it or not, actually be very enjoyable and a great bonding experience- provided you don’t let the hormones get you down!
Twins are hard happiness – enjoy it together!
While you spend all day and evening caring for your twosome, your husband probably works at his (obviously stressful) job all day and is expected to help in the evening. Most of us, twin mommy’s and daddy’s take ourselves far too seriously. We often forget to goof around, goof up and reveal in the joy of being around and being with our twins. Start doing things together.
Go out shopping together, I love wearing the green T-shirt with stars my 18 month old son picked up for me. Sit together and go through your photo albums together, you’ll be amazed how quickly your infants start recognizing tatta –patti, nanni and friends in the pics.
Twin parenting can be exhausting; both your hearts may slowly harden instead of softening. The couple you once were could slowly disappear into the dense jungle of parenthood. Hold on, sit back and look around ...there is still sunshine.
On a lighter note, congratulate your husband on joining the league. Many of the well known personalities have twins. Mohammed Ali is a father of twin daughters. Actors Mel Gibson, Robert De Niro and lately (ahem ...) Brad pit is fathering twins. My husband is probably happier than Roger Fedrer on him having twins. He truly believes only real sportsmen and stud men have Twins. And I completely agree “just like phantom had twins” I say …..Anything to make him feel and act like a superhero!!
